fanfics

this is a work of fiction — a fan-made story, not affiliated with or endorsed by the real people depicted, JYP Entertainment, or Addison Rae. no money is being made from this.

Part 1: Staying up all night long, Singing our favorite songs

The two of them decided to stay late after dance practice to really solidify the steps. That's what they said.

Hyunjin spun, sweaty, and collapsed into a loose sprawl on the floor. He had one knee propped up that he rested his elbow on as he caught his breath. He ran his hand through his hair, dripping with sweat. Hyunjin watched as Felix finished the final movements before walking over to the wall and taking a sip from his water bottle.

"I think we've got it," Felix said. In times like these, when he was more relaxed, his voice was deeper and less animated.

Hyunjin nodded. "But I still don't feel like going back to my dorm," he said. "Do you ever feel that way?"

Felix nodded, his eyes sleepy, as he took another drink. "Play something else. A song that you like."

Hyunjin flipped through his phone. "Oh, this one!"

The familiar ignition chime at the start of the song played through the practice room speakers. Hyunjin selected drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo. "So, are you going to dance for me?"

Felix flashed a cheeky smile. "Me?" He laughed. "I don't know how to dance to this song."

♪ And you're probably with that blonde girl ♪

Felix pointed at Hyunjin's longer blond hair and put on a faux-shocked expression.

"Here, dance with me then," Hyunjin got to his feet and started bobbing to the beat.

"When you get your license, you've got to take me on drives," Felix said.

"Of course," he said. "Soon."

"Red lights, stop signs, I still see your face…" Felix waggled his eyebrows.

"I still fuckin' love you, babe!" Hyunjin sang along, spinning, arms out.

By the time Felix got back to his dorm, everyone was asleep. He snuck into bed, his body feeling too warm for sleep.

When Hyunjin arrived back at his dorm, he was greeted by Changbin's and Bang Chan's questioning looks and raised eyebrows.

Part 2: Making out in the car

Hyunjin got his license and immediately called Felix.

"Get ready," Hyunjin said. "I'm coming to pick you up."

"Look at you!" Felix said as he approached the black car. The windows were rolled down. "Where are you taking me?"

Hyunjin looked at him, shocked. "I hadn't thought that far."

Felix got in the car and squeezed Hyunjin's knee, then gave his thigh a couple pats. "Want me to DJ?"

"Yeah, not too loud though. I don't want to get distracted."

Felix grinned. "You don't think I'll be distracting?"

Hyunjin coughed suddenly. "I guess I'll start driving," he said. "And if you see anywhere you want to go, just direct me."

"Yes sir," Felix said. As Hyunjin carefully pulled away from the curb, Felix selected a song. It started quietly so they could hear the crunch of the tires as they pulled out.

"What's this one?" Hyunjin asked as the vocals started.

"It's called way after forever."

Hyunjin furrowed his brow.

"What's wrong?" Felix asked.

"This is harder than I thought." Hyunjin started laughing. "I'm trying to understand the lyrics and drive, and I think I'm failing at impressing you."

Felix really started laughing then. "I'll play it for you again, Hyunjin-ah. Just focus on the road for now. If I get home in one piece, I'll be impressed."

Felix hummed along, murmuring the lyrics. "…been trying to play it cool, but I can't."

"Someday, when it's warmer out," Hyunjin said, as they drove over the Han River, "I'll drive us to the beach."

Out of the corner of his eye, Hyunjin could see Felix turn to face him with a broad smile. He couldn't risk a glance, not only because he needed to keep his eyes on the road.

"Have you eaten yet?" Felix asked.

Hyunjin shook his head.

"Let's stop by a convenience store. You have a mask, right?"

Hyunjin drove around to find a spot where he could park where no other cars were close by, so they had to walk a bit to get to the store.

"This is amazing," Felix said. "Being somewhere without the company taking us there. Being alone."

"It's a little intimidating, isn't it?" Hyunjin had tucked his hair into a cap, trying to remain unrecognizable, but Felix was bolder than him, his platinum blonde hair catching fading sunlight.

They got banana milk and Shin Ramyun cups and brought it back to the car. They stayed parked at the curb while they ate, the steam from the ramyun fogging up the windows.

"This is kind of giving Titanic, isn't it?" Felix said. He pressed his hand up to the passenger's side window and left a print in the steam.

Part 3: We're naked at the beach, barefoot on the street

They'd already visited the beach during the day. Hyunjin and Felix both loved to swim, but it was warm enough and they had enough energy to sneak out of the hotel at night and go for another dip.

They had an early departure in the morning, so they didn't plan on sleeping much anyway.

"I can never sleep after a performance like that," Hyunjin said.

Felix was moving a bit more slowly. "Yeah, I'd probably be scrolling on my phone until we had to leave."

"I can't believe how warm it is here," Hyunjin said. "It's probably snowing back home."

They reached the sand. Sand kicked up around their sandals, still warm against their skin.

"Did you do this much as a kid?" Hyunjin asked.

"Sneak out?"

"Go to the beach at night?"

Felix considered for a moment. "I was pretty busy. I'd go to the beach with friends, but not like this."

"Always busy." Hyunjin clicked his tongue.

Felix placed his hand on the small of Hyunjin's back. "Not always." The waves rumbled as they got closer to the water's edge. "I make time."

"Yeah, when you should be resting."

Felix took his shirt off and tossed it on the sand. He kicked off his sandals and ran into the water.

Hyunjin stood, contemplating, then took his shirt off too and followed.

"The good thing about it being stupid late," Felix said once Hyunjin caught up. "Is that there's no one here to see us."

"No lifeguard on duty though."

"You can be our lifeguard."

"I'm sure that's expired," Hyunjin said. "That was middle school."

They were close enough to touch as they tread water.

"You know what I've never done before?" Felix asked, his face shining mischievous in the moonlight. He slid his trunks off underwater, looping them on his arm. "Since no one is here."

"Yongbok!" Hyunjin said.

"In Australia I've always been Felix," he said, and started to swim away.

Hyunjin paddled after him. "What if something bites it?"

Felix spun around abruptly and Hyunjin almost ran into him. "What if?"

"Should I do it too?"

They put their trunks back on before they got out of the water. Cameras could zoom from far away and they could never assume they were truly alone. But once they were out, they realized that the water had gone up further than they'd expected, and the ocean had carried their shoes and shirts away.

Felix crumpled to the sand. "I can't believe it," he said.

"At least we didn't bring our phones," Hyunjin said, placing his broad hands on Felix's shoulders.

Felix bent his head back. Hyunjin bent his head down. There remained a foot and a half of space between their faces.

"We have to go back," Hyunjin said.

"We're going to be seen."

"Just by hotel staff, maybe our staff. Take another dip to clear the sand off, and let's go."

They walked across the sand, a little deflated. Hyunjin wanted to put his arm around him. Keep him warm, keep him covered, but they were too exposed now, too visible.

On the pavement, they stepped carefully, avoiding sharp stones.

Part 4: Friends say I disappeared, I blame it on the things we do

Minho cornered Felix in the kitchen of the dorm as he was getting a drink from the fridge.

"You've been out a lot recently," Minho said.

"Well, you know," Felix said, slowly cracking the seal on the bottle. "Life has gotten busy recently."

Minho didn't seem convinced. "Hyunjin got his license, and now I don't see you here anymore."

Felix unscrewed the cap. "Sometimes we go on drives," he admitted. "He needs to practice, you know."

"You didn't go out with me when I got my license."

"You were too busy driving someone else around."

Minho slapped Felix on the butt before leaving the kitchen.

-

"Can we go see a movie?" Changbin asked, his legs tucked under him on the couch, adding to his pleading appearance.

Hyunjin already had his jacket on, clearly about to leave. "Tonight?"

"Yeah," Changbin said. "It's been a while."

"I was going to the store with Felix right now," Hyunjin said. "But I should be free after."

Changbin sighed. "There's no way you'll be back in time," he said under his breath.

"Huh?" Hyunjin had just grabbed his keys.

"Forget about it," he said. "You always lose track of time when you go out with him."

"We're just getting snacks, that's it."

"That's what you say now. But I get it. I shouldn't rely on you to go see a movie."

"You could try going on your own, if you really want to see something," Hyunjin said, earnestly trying to be helpful.

"You know I can't do that. But it's not your fault. Go have a good time."

Part 5: Background on my phone, never felt less alone

The photo was innocuous enough. It was a candid of Felix from a night where they got ice cream together. Felix was biting into it, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, no makeup, the ends of his hair looking fried.

"I don't know why you like that photo so much," Felix said, sitting next to him on the couch. They were pretending to watch Changbin play LoL.

"Je ne sais quoi," Hyunjin said. "Did I say that right?"

"Ça te va bien," Felix said. Felix had his knee curled up on the couch so he could face Hyunjin.

"Now you're just bragging," Changbin said, mashing buttons.

"But really, you don't know why?" Felix asked, rubbing his thumb on the top of Hyunjin's hand.

"It's just you in the way that I get to see you. I like that I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to see you this way."

"You know there's vlogs, right Hyunnie?" Changbin teased.

"He still doesn't look like this." Hyunjin held his phone out for Changbin to look. Changbin risked a glance.

"Oh," he said. "Yeah, I kind of get it. Yongbok, I don't think you're going to understand."

Felix sighed and flopped onto his stomach, his elbows propped near Hyunjin's lap.

Felix watched Hyunjin set the photo as his background. "Seems risky," Felix murmured.

"I won't set it as the lock screen," Hyunjin said.

"Maybe you should get a second phone. One for public-facing stuff, and one for home."

Hyunjin shrugged. "It would be twice as much to lose. I don't need that pressure."

"If people see it, they'll think it means something," Felix said.

"It's not like you're shirtless or anything. And it does mean something," Hyunjin said.

Felix rolled onto his back, placing his head in Hyunjin's lap. "Can you help me practice French again? Just say what's on the flashcard."

"Aren't those meant so you can practice alone?" Changbin said.

Felix nudged Changbin's back with his knee.

Part 6: My 11:11, would you fly with me to Paris?

"Look at the time," Felix said. They'd gotten back to their hotel for the night, and Felix was eating dinner in Hyunjin's room.

"11:11," Hyunjin said.

"Make a wish," Felix said.

"A wish?"

"Don't ask questions, make a wish."

Hyunjin closed his eyes, took a breath, and opened them again.

"So why did I just make a wish?"

"I don't know," Felix said. "It's just something you're supposed to do when you notice that it's 11:11."

"Did you make a wish?" Hyunjin asked.

Felix smirked. "I did."

-

They woke up in Paris. They would be performing, of course. There was always work, but they had a whole day there.

"Hyunjin-ah," Felix said, opening Hyunjin's hotel room. "We can go out together all day today. We just have to film some vlog footage."

Hyunjin was still in a cotton robe from his shower earlier. "Oh, Lixie," he said, putting his phone down on the dresser.

"Something for breakfast, Musée d'Orsay, of course, and dinner, if you'll join me." Felix looked unbearably pleased with himself.

"Alone?" Hyunjin asked.

Felix plopped down on an armchair. "Someone will be with us, filming."

Hyunjin ran his hand through his hair. "It's close enough," he said quietly.

"Hmm?" Felix was thumbing through Hyunjin's sketchbook that he'd left out.

In the museum, Hyunjin could almost imagine they were there alone, as they wandered through the Van Gogh rooms.

He could almost imagine they were unknown.

He could almost imagine pulling Felix close and letting him rest his head on Hyunjin's shoulder as Felix looked at Woman with a Parasol Facing Right and Hyunjin looked at Woman with a Parasol Facing Left.

Instead, he took a step back and took a photo of Felix admiring the paintings.

"So, Lix-ah, I guess it can't really be spoiled now that it's already true," Hyunjin said later after they had dinner. "I wished for this, back then, to be in Paris with you, in this way."

Felix smiled and closed his eyes. "I still can't tell you my wish."

this is a work of fiction — a fan-made story, not affiliated with or endorsed by the real people depicted, JYP Entertainment, or Addison Rae. no money is being made from this.

Hyunjin sits at the little bar in Felix's hotel room. Felix is on the other side, looking for ice, but when he sees Hyunjin across from him, he cannot help but think he looks like someone patiently waiting at a fansign.

"Hi, thank you for waiting," Felix says, his smile warm but performative.

Hyunjin wrinkles his brow, but almost instantly understands what Felix is getting at. He puts his hands out on the bar top, hoping they'll be held. "I can't believe you're real," he says. Now that he's playing a character, holding eye contact seems easier, but he's also playing a fan, so he lets the heat rise to his face.

Felix grabs the hands. "I promise, I am real," he releases one hand to poke his own cheek.

Hyunjin smiles. "Cute," he says under his breath. "I've been a fan for a long time."

"A long time, huh?" Felix says in English, his Australian accent on full display.

"Pre-debut," Hyunjin says.

"Wow, that is impressive."

"I hope you've had some time to take care of yourself," Hyunjin says, letting Felix rock their hands on the counter.

"There's no need to worry about me," he says with practiced warmth. He readjusts after seeing Hyunjin's expression of concern. "Thank you," he adds. He takes his hands back. "Sorry, that was weird," he says.

"I don't know," Hyunjin says, spinning slightly on the stool. "But I think you need to work on that response. I think it would make me more worried."

"Let me try again," Felix says, reaching to grab Hyunjin's hands again.

Hyunjin readjusts and looks up with pleading eyes, as if all his dreams have come true and he's waiting for it to vanish. Felix isn't used to seeing him like this. It makes him nervous. "You've done so many personal schedules, but what's your favorite thing you've done so far this year?" he asks.

"I think our fanmeet earlier this year. That was my favorite."

"Oh, I was there!" Hyunjin says.

"You don't say…" Felix says out the side of his mouth. "Jinnie, I don't know why I started this, but I want out." He releases Hyunjin's hands again. His own palms are getting sweaty. This whole thing has made him nervous.

"You don't want to swap?" Hyunjin asks, his face transformed back out of character.

"What if I could just be a normal person?" Felix asks.

"Psssh, you don't want to be my fan?"

Felix sighs, looking for the ice again. "I think any normal person interacting with you would instantly become a fan."

Hyunjin stands, trying to help in looking for the ice but only succeeding in blocking the light.

"I don't think there's actually ice in here," Felix says, standing back up.

"I'll go get it from the hall, then," Hyunjin says.

He goes out to find the machine, following signs until he locates the ice machine. He scoops ice into the bucket. Non-idol Felix would still want ice, he thinks, but he would probably be getting it himself.

Hyunjin walks back in with a full bucket. "Hey Mr. Normal Guy," he says as he enters. "I think you should've gotten the ice, seeing as I'm the idol here."

Felix has his legs tucked under him on the couch.

"Why would an idol be walking into my hotel room anyway?" Felix asks. "The illusion is already broken."

"What're you saying, you want to give up?"

"No, but I think we need to meet in public," he says. "I'm done for tonight. Come watch something with me." He pats the cushion next to him. "Try again tomorrow?"

-

They don't have much time, but in the morning, Felix goes down to breakfast. He's rarely ever done this, gone down to breakfast instead of having it in his room. Or in the car on the way to the airport. Or having none at all. He wears a cap and a mask. An unbranded T-shirt and basketball shorts.

Hyunjin comes down a few minutes later. He's still the idol. That's what they agreed on. He's also incognito, hair tucked into a dark gray beanie and wearing a mask. But there's something in the way he's carrying himself, maybe the designer jeans & sweater, that Felix cannot help but think, He's not just a regular guy.

He sits at an empty table, a table for two, with a bowl of fruit and a glass of mint and fruit-infused water.

He wonders how he's going to meet Hyunjin. Hyunjin wouldn't come sit next to a stranger for no reason.

"I forgot something," he says quietly to himself, and then gets back in line a couple people behind Hyunjin.

Hyunjin is stacking his plate with meats and pastries. He gets a coffee.

Felix grabs a butterknife.

"You waited in the line just to get a butterknife?" Hyunjin turns and asks.

Felix flashes a smile. "I don't mind being around people," he says. "Plus my food can't really go cold." He gestures over to his lonely table of fruit and water.

"You seem like a nice person, and this place is filling up," Hyunjin says. "Do you mind if I eat next to you?"

"Sure," Felix starts heading towards his table.

Hyunjin reaches out a hand—just enough to stop him, not enough to touch. "Do you think we can do this?" he asks. He gestures to someone holding up their phone, clearly taking a photo or recording them.

"Of course we can," Felix answers. As an unknown person, he's not even worried about it.

He sits back at his table and motions for Hyunjin to sit across from him. "So, what brings you here," Felix asks. He takes his mask off.

Hyunjin starts to observe him as if he's just any man. His eyes are dark but welcoming. Freckles play across his cheeks. He takes a bite of cantaloupe.

Hyunjin takes his mask off too, now that he's got food in front of him, it's the only reasonable thing to do. "I'm on tour," he answers.

Felix raises his eyes to look at him. "Wow! Are you a musician?"

Hyunjin nods.

"Would I know anything?"

Hyunjin smirks. "You might." They're in San Francisco. This man could be anyone. He speaks Korean, but he sounds like he's from Australia. "Are you familiar with K-pop?"

Felix pops a grape in his mouth. "I am! But girl groups, mostly. Twice, Le Sserafim."

Seems like a green flag. "I'm in Stray Kids," he says. He munches on a slice of bacon.

"I've heard of them!" Felix says. He tucks a half-bitten strawberry in his cheek. "Wow, so that means you're like really famous."

Hyunjin smiles, embarrassed. He cannot imagine what people must be thinking if they can overhear. "And you, why are you staying here?"

Felix takes a bite, giving himself time to think. "Traveling for business."

"And your line of work?"

Felix purses his lips, still upturned in a smile. "Sales," he says finally.

"I thought you would say you were a model," Hyunjin says.

Felix bursts out laughing. He leans over and whispers, "I'm just a guy."

Hyunjin crosses his arms and looks annoyed. "A pretty guy," he says, equally as quietly.

Felix looks at the time. "You better eat quickly," he says. "We have to leave soon." Felix points at Hyunjin with a finger gun. "Next time, you're not famous."

Hyunjin nods as he takes a giant bite.

-

There is some fallout from their public breakfast. A few videos on the internet, but luckily there wasn't any swarming at the hotel. New death threats, so the company isn't super pleased with them, but Felix is determined to have his moment with "regular guy" Hyunjin.

For this outing, they're shopping.

Hyunjin arrives first. He's still dressed high-end. In a store like this, it wouldn't make sense to pretend he couldn't afford nice things.

Felix comes in a few minutes later.

Hyunjin smells his cologne before he sees him. He takes a deep breath. Just a normal guy, he thinks.

"Oh that's cute," Felix says, looking at the jacket Hyunjin is holding.

"Thanks," he says, not looking at the man beside him.

"I think the color really suits you," he continues.

"Brown?" Hyunjin asks, finally risking a glance. The man beside him is stunning, of course. He knows he is. But something about pretending not to be an idol has made him more nervous about Felix's beauty.

Felix purses his lips slightly. "More like a coffee color, I'd say."

Hyunjin holds it over his shoulder, as if he's on a runway. "I'll try it on then. But I should return the favor and find something nice for you."

Hyunjin looks at him. He's wearing a white shirt that hugs his waist nicely. "I'm thinking something blue, like a sky blue." He heads over to a different rack and pulls a jacket down.

"Oh, denim could be nice," Felix says.

"I don't know," Hyunjin says. "I feel like you need something more. Something about you craves attention."

Felix's eyes widen at that. "I think I could say the same about you."

"No, I'm just a normal guy that would look good in a coffee-colored suit jacket."

"So, you don't attract attention with that side-profile?" Felix is near-incredulous.

"I didn't say I don't attract some attention," Hyunjin says carefully.

Felix crossed his arms. "Oh, but you don't crave it? You don't want more?"

Hyunjin laughs out of nervousness. He hangs the jean jacket back up. "More of what?"

Felix's gaze is fixed up at him. "Attention."

Hyunjin flips through some of the other clothes on the rack, not looking at any of them. "But I don't think that's fair."

Felix takes a step closer to him. "Why?" he almost whispers.

Hyunjin turns to face him. "Because everyone wants that." He places his hands on Felix's shoulders. "Of course I want more. I crave it. I want to be loved. I want to be loved by everyone."

The way they're standing and the way the conversation is going makes Felix nervous. He glances around to see if anyone can see them—if there are any salespeople nearby. He clears his throat. "I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what came over me," he says. "You're right, sir, I would typically want something a bit more…" He searches for a word.

Hyunjin removes his hands from Felix's shoulders. "You strike me as someone who could pull off a fur collar."

Felix cracks a lopsided smile. Hyunjin weaves through the store, skimming the racks for something that will suit this man.

Then he sees it, a blue fur coat. It's somehow high-fashion and not muppet-adjacent. "Here," he says, pushing it into Felix's arms once he catches up.

"I thought a bit more about it," Felix says, feeling the jacket in his hands. "I think I know what you really need in a jacket."

"I thought the brown suited me."

"Coffee. Espresso, even." Felix says, his voice smooth and low.

"Americano," Hyunjin says. "It's a long jacket."

Felix cracks into full laughter.

"I'm just trying to be accurate," he says with a laugh.

"And what's your name, Mr. Americano?" Felix's eyes twinkle.

Hyunjin thinks for a moment. "Sam."

"All right, Sam, we're going to pick you out an idol-jacket. I'm going to bring you into my world."

Hyunjin plays confusion on his face. "Your world?"

"An idol. Infinitely beloved. Constantly scrutinized. Nothing feels as good."

He grabs Hyunjin by the hand and tows him behind him in the store. "Cheetah print, I think. Still brown. Maybe some leather."

Hyunjin is grinning ear to ear. He doesn't even care if they're seen.

He's a regular guy getting an idol-worthy makeover by an idol.

"But is it worth it?" Hyunjin asks.

"I can cover the cost. I just have to see you in something like that."

"No. The fame, I mean."

Felix thinks for a moment. "I can't go back," he says. "And I keep reaching for more. Would I want more if it wasn't worth it?"

"I wonder," Hyunjin says.

"But I look like I want it, right?" Felix asks.

They aren't looking at the clothes anymore. "You play the part well." A flash of leopard print catches Hyunjin's eye. "Would this work?"

Felix grabs it.

"Do you two need any assistance?" A sales associate is a few feet away, looking at them innocently. Then a flicker of recognition shows on her face. "Need help finding anything?" Her words flow out faster.

"Thank you, we're fine on our own," Felix says, as polite as ever. "But if you let me know your name, I'll put it in for any commission."

"There's no need to do that," she says quickly.

"But your name?" His voice is smooth.

She delivers it nervously.

"Right," he says. "Thank you for offering your assistance and we'll be sure to let them know that you helped us, but we'd prefer to continue shopping discreetly."

She nods eagerly and walks back to one of the unseen corners of the shop.

"Now," he says, as if nothing disrupted them. "I'm not sure this leopard print is exactly what I'm looking for, but let's hold onto it just in case."

The recognition in her eyes almost took Hyunjin out of his character. But Felix handled her as if he were on his own.

Hyunjin would be tempted to sign something for her. To smile at her and feel loved. But Felix sent her off so efficiently that he barely got the chance to feel her adoration. He could continue pretending that it was all for Felix. That he was brought into this world just for this moment with a man who was showing him how it was done.

Hyunjin piles the jacket on his arm.

"It seems like she would've been helpful," he says.

"Helpful and nice, I'm sure," Felix says. "But without help, this will be an adventure."

They continue scanning the store until Felix spots it higher up, against the wall.

"Sam, do you think you could reach that?" he asks.

A black leather jacket, cheetah print satin lining. A splash of red trim.

Hyunjin has to get on his toes, but he's able to get it down.

"That's the one," Felix says. "You'll be unforgettable in that."

Hyunjin smiles at it. It's unmistakably something Hyunjin would wear. Not even as a brand ambassador. Not from a stylist. But Hyunjin the idol himself.

It's hard to return to the Sam character now.

"Should we try these on then?" he asks.

"I don't think you'll take it back off," Felix says. "It'll feel too good. Look too good."

Hyunjin holds the jacket out in front of him, eyeing it again. "Does it look a little too dangerous?" he says.

Felix nods. "A little dangerous. Sexy. But it suits you."

"OK," he says. "I'm in. Are you still paying?"

this is a work of fiction — a fan-made story, not affiliated with or endorsed by the real people depicted, JYP Entertainment, or Addison Rae. no money is being made from this.

"Chan hyung, can you pick me up? Can we go for a drive?"

Felix is keeping it together. He isn't crying. But he needs cool air. He needs Chan's hands on the wheel. The radio to fill any silences.

"You're still at the company? I'll be right there," Chan says.

He pulls up to the curb at the side entrance. Felix waits until he sees Chan's car before he opens the door and crosses the sidewalk. He can already feel his face getting hot again, but the late-night air meets it like a salve.

Chan already has the door popped open. Felix slides into the passenger seat, already feeling so small, like a kid getting picked up from school.

"Have you eaten?" Chan asks.

Felix takes a breath. "I'm not hungry."

"I was on my way to get a bite to eat," Chan says. "So, we're stopping somewhere whether or not you eat."

Felix looks out the window as they pull away from the all-too-familiar building. He'd heard the sleep in Chan's voice when he'd answered the phone. He'd probably fallen asleep at his computer, but asleep regardless. There's no way he had plans of a late-night dinner.

"What are you getting?"

"Tteokbokki or gukbap." There's silence. The radio isn't on. "What do you want?"

Felix says it so quietly he's afraid Chan won't hear him. "Tteokbokki."

"Good," Chan says. "That's what I really wanted, but it sounded like you needed gukbap."

"Always tteokbokki, Channie." The hint of a smile crosses his lips.

Chan pulls the car up to a convenience store. "You should stay in here," he says. "Want anything to drink?"

Felix shakes his head.

Chan leaves the keys in the car, so Felix turns the radio on and pairs his phone to the Bluetooth. He plays a pop playlist. Nothing too sad. Mostly recent hits. Something to fill the air, really.

Chan comes back with his arms full, and Felix opens his door to take some of it from him. His tteokbokki, a couple bags of chips, a banana milk, and a choco pie.

"I was hungry," Chan says in answer to Felix's wide eyes.

Back in the driver's seat Chan says, "Let's stop somewhere by the river and eat. And then we can go for a drive, OK?"

Felix nods, already sipping on the banana milk.

Chan parks at the Jamsil Hangang Park overlooking the Han river. They're not too close to any street lights, so the car feels especially dark.

Chan eats ravenously and Felix wonders, maybe Chan really had already been on his way to a convenience store, maybe walking sleepily. The music is low but fills the silences between bites.

"I don't think I can have any more," Felix says. "I've eaten so much today."

Chan looks over at Felix's half-eaten cup.

"You were practicing late," Chan says.

Felix drinks the rest of the banana milk. "Yeah," he says. His voice won't say more.

"It's been hard," Chan says. "We have a lot of work to do."

Felix can sense that he's pulling for the reason why Felix called him tonight. "It's not that, Chris," Felix says.

Chan puts his hand on Felix's shoulder. The hand is warm from cupping the tteokbokki. Felix rolls the window down, feeling his face getting hot again. He won't make it out without crying, he's sure, but he doesn't want to start that way.

Chan rolls his window down too and the night air funnels through.

"You can tell me anything," Chan says.

Felix nods.

"I know he talks to you," Felix says.

Something shifts in Chan's face. Felix can tell even though the expression is basically the same. He's registering what it's about.

"I just don't think we can anymore," Felix says. He bursts into tears. "We're too big now, Channie. I can't keep it up."

Chan has finished his tteokbokki and grabs Felix's empty cup too. He stacks them and puts them on the dashboard.

Chan turns his body towards Felix. "I will never tell you what to do. I will never tell you what the company wants around this. You need to figure this out between you and him. But, if you want an ear, if you want to go for a drive, I can do that."

Felix nods. "I'll go find a trashcan," he says, grabbing the cups and the banana milk.

He crosses the empty parking lot and finds a trashcan by a nearby picnic area.

If he's out here in public, he probably won't keep crying. In that car with Chan, knowing everything he knows, he wouldn't be able to keep it together.

Chan would protect them, to a degree. He would go between them and the company, but if they really fucked up, there would be nothing Chan could do.

It was always so tenuous, even with Minho and Jisung. They embraced it, sure, saying things as bluntly as they had, but they all had to keep up appearances. Certain physical affection was fine, but there were lines that couldn't be crossed, not even for a moment. Felix worried about slipping up. They'd been so loose when they were younger.

They have so much to lose now. A real future. A real present. And they could overlook the past. Everyone had.

He sees Chan gazing out the windshield, looking out at the river. Felix approaches the car without him noticing. He's concerned, his eyebrows pinched.

He's heard it all from everyone, Felix is suddenly sure. Concerns from the company. Things Seungmin's brought up. He's sure Changbin talks.

Oh, he thinks. Hyunjin himself. Of course Hyunjin would go to Channie.

He opens the car door with one question on his mind. He barely sits down before he asks it. "What does he talk about when you drink together?"

The question takes a moment to register. "I'm not going to tell you that either." Chan starts laughing.

Felix's tense expression cracks into a smile. "You won't?" Even with his crooked smile, his eyes are pleading.

"You can ask him that yourself."

Felix thuds his head back against the headrest. "OK, can you drive now?"

Chan laughs again. "As you wish."

-

Chan drives and the river air transforms to city air thick with the smell of late-night food. Felix tears into the choco pie, takes a couple bites, then sets it aside.

"You know, after one of our shows I went back to his room," Felix says. He never talks to the other members like this, about what they do when they're alone.

Chan nods, one hand on the wheel.

"And I felt like I didn't even know myself. I thought about everything that he would want. That he'd like my outfit styled buttoned up. That he'd prefer my hair more blonde and pulled back. I knew that he'd want to eat something with me, but I didn't want to feel bloated around him. I don't even know what I think about myself anymore."

Chan sighs. "Does he ever say anything to make you feel this way?"

Felix shakes his head. "It's not anything he does." The tears come again. Hyunjin deserves love. If Felix is perfect and he controls his facial expressions when they're on camera... If he doesn't look as much as he wants to... If he restrains himself to playful taps on the butt... If he hides and pulls himself inward... Will they lose themselves even when they're alone?

Chan reaches in the backseat and pulls out another banana milk, handing it to Felix.

Felix holds onto it but doesn't open it right away. He pushes his face towards the open window, letting the wind hit it.

"I can't escape him." The words come out harsher than he's expecting, but he's sobbing so it's hard to get his voice to obey him. "I can't escape myself," he says and fumbles the banana milk into the cupholder.

Chan places his free hand on Felix's knee and wobbles it back and forth. "And you've never talked to him about this?"

Felix sobs quietly, his hands covering his face.

Chan takes a sip of the banana milk and puts it back in the cupholder.

"He loves you. We all love you, Felix. You have to love yourself, and I know that's rich coming from me, but it's easy to see from the outside."

Felix laughs wetly. "I love myself. What do you think I've been doing? Don't you think I've been selfish this whole time?"

Somehow, they're by the river again. "Yeah," Chan says with laughter in his voice.

"I knew it," Felix says, all hope missing. Like he says, Chan doesn't insert himself into their relationship. But Chan believes in Stray Kids above everything. He's worked for this for too long to just be fine with risking it all for something like this.

"But it's because you're making decisions about your relationship without even talking to Hyunjin." Chan sounds sharp but his eyes are still smiling. "You're being selfish, but you're not caring for yourself."

Felix takes a gulp of the banana milk. His face is still wet, but he has no tears to cry.

"You're trying to care for everyone around you. You're thinking you can control it all. You're not that important. I care about you, but you're not God."

"Is that what…"

"Hyunjin and I talk about you, yes," Chan says. "But these are all my words. If you want to know how he feels, you should talk to him yourself."

Felix tilts his head towards the open window, the lights streaming by, reflected on the water's surface.

He reaches for the volume knob and turns it up before leaning his head out the window, his blonde hair fluttering around his ears. The air rushes by as fast as his life has felt recently.

Sometimes he feels like it's too fast for him to be fully formed. To be able to love a man who deserves to be loved. To hopelessly hide feelings until when?

The ground whips by. If he were to take a step right now, he'd fall flat on his face.

But he doesn't need to take a step right now. He can be here, in this car. He can get out with Channie, go up to their dorm. Talk with Hyunjin.

He brings his head back into the cabin. "OK," he says.

this is a work of fiction — a fan-made story, not affiliated with or endorsed by the real people depicted, JYP Entertainment, or Addison Rae. no money is being made from this.

Hyunjin opens the door of the van. Security is already standing outside.

He gets out as smoothly as possible, knowing he's already being observed. Cameras flash as he adjusts his jacket. He gives a small wave.

Several people scream out. "Hyunjin-ssi!" "Saranghae!" He holds his finger to his lip and furrows his brow.

He loves seeing Stay, but he doesn't want to be a disturbance more than he already is. He makes sure to give a few different poses and continues walking towards a wall of flashes.

It's a cold morning and he worries that his nose is going to drip. But the jacket is designer, obviously, and he's wearing it as a part of his ambassadorship. He sniffs a couple times.

He's on a solo schedule today. The flight will feel long, but he can read and sleep. Before that, he needs to survive the airport.

It's not such an inconvenient time that only the most dedicated fans and reporters have shown up, and even though it's just him today, a crowd has formed.

Security surrounds him. He fiddles with his rings. The crowd swells against his security. Camera shutters click rapidly around him. Instead of faces, he sees phones that film him and professional lenses that track him as he walks. He hears his name from behind and then to the right.

He's asked a few questions, cameras up in his face, and he's pretty sure he's answering in a way that will satisfy people. A flash catches him off guard and he blinks in a way that he's pretty sure is unflattering.

He can't wait until he can completely disconnect from this. Soon, when he can sit in the lounge, he can forget the cameras and flashing lights, the people screaming.

If it weren't here, if it weren't for everyone else at the airport, he would probably feel differently. Being swarmed by adoration. He could enjoy that. But not when he had a flight to catch, not when he was a nuisance like this.

He takes his chance on an escalator and slides a headphone in. At this point he's trusting his security to protect him from any sasaengs who act like he belongs to them. Like he owes them something.

The headphone chimes as it pairs. Almost immediate relief.

He puts in the other.

Disorder.

He smiles.

Joy Division.

He taps his finger against his thigh. He wants to close his eyes. He wants to lean his body against a warm friend. He wants to feel small hands wrap around his waist.

He gazes at the back of the manager ahead of him. A nondescript black jacket. Someone accompanying him, technically.

But he feels like he's traveling alone.

Off to Paris again.

What a depressing thing, to be working on his own in Paris.

Paris is one thing. But on his own?

He lets the music overtake him.

He needs to live here, in this bubble the sound creates.

♪ I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling ♪

How many times has he listened to this song as he draws? Figures that try to hold onto meaning. Figures with restless faces. Figures that speak when his voice won't.

At security, he removes the headphones and puts them in a tray. He slides off his metal rings and they clink into the tray. Even though the crowd isn't there for him anymore, people still recognize him. They whisper to their boyfriends, to their parents.

A hoodie would be nice right now. Something soft. Something fluffy that Felix would wear. If he could just touch something like that.

He gets through security and puts his headphones back in. He slides each ring on. His fingers linger on one for a while.

He's been losing too much jewelry. He really shouldn't be trusted with anything, he thinks uncharitably.

He waits in the lounge.

♪ I did everything, everything I wanted to. I let them use you for their own ends. ♪

His job today is to be a commodity. Dressed in clothes that he liked, sure, but didn't necessarily want to be wearing right now.

Photographed.

Posing to be seen on the internet.

To sell out a jacket.

Drive traffic to a site.

Hyunjin lets his head rest against the wall behind him, sinking in the seat as he sips on an americano.

Some things are too special to be commodified.

Felix sees the photos. Hyunjin awake early, cold, sniffling between the flashes. He's screaming to be held.

The jacket looks good, but a little too lightweight. He's obviously too cold.

But he looks good.

Felix shakes his head. He's got to get out of here. He's been zoomed in, looking at Hyunjin sniffing for too long now.

He throws the covers off the bed, pulls on some trackpants and a sweatshirt.

He'll go for a run. That'll occupy his mind.

Next week would be crazy, but this week he had some time. Of course their schedules were opposite. Fashion week. Always different weeks or different places.

Usually he runs at night, but there's no reason he can't go out now. He thinks about texting Chris, but no, he doesn't really want to talk.

He waves to Seungmin in the kitchen. "Heading out for a run," he says, and puts on his shoes.

After he closes the door, he puts headphones on.

"Hmm." He looks down at his phone. "Leave," he starts typing, and the song pops up.

He can't even run yet, still needing to get out of the complex, but he feels jumpy with energy.

♪ Please don't leave me like this ♪

Out on the street, he starts the song over, wanting to feel the beat as the sidewalk glides beneath.

♪ Stay with me 'til the night ends ♪

But what about the day? What about the morning?

The whole day.

Strike the pavement. Propel forward.

Inhale, exhale.

The shops blur.

He imagines running along ocean cliffsides. A cool breeze, salt spray.

Volcanic sand. Glaciers. Moss-covered rocks.

He stumbles up to a crosswalk and presses the button. He'd almost run into the road.

He waits.

It's all the imagery Hyunjin has been flooding his phone with. Iceland. That must be what he's thinking of.

Their schedules. Of course. Hyunjin would return and, well, Felix would be in Paris and then Shanghai.

The light changes and Felix starts running again.

In his mind, it is night. Steam rising from hot springs. The aurora. A car navigating windswept roads.

But he hadn't been there.

And he wasn't there now.

He slows to a walk, approaching another crosswalk. He takes a moment to catch his breath.

Checks his phone.

There's a message.

From Hyunjin.

It's a photo from the airplane window. Just his view. No caption.

Felix snaps a sweaty selfie, his hair pushed back from his face.

He wonders if he would even be recognized looking like this.

He sends it.

When he glances back up, he only has seven seconds left to cross.

He runs across and keeps running, headphones on.

this is a work of fiction — a fan-made story, not affiliated with or endorsed by the real people depicted, JYP Entertainment, or Addison Rae. no money is being made from this.

They had a photoshoot that day. A big one. All day.

The concept was sporty and futuristic. His hair was long and black with silver streaks. Those were just for this shoot. An undercut gave him some versatility. He could braid his hair and tuck it under a ball cap and show the buzzed sides.

There were a few different looks. The last one… he hadn't felt very confident in it.

He tried putting his arm up over his head, reclining. Something relaxed and effortless. Instead, he could feel how hard he was trying. It showed on his face.

If he was being truthful with himself, the final outfit reminded him of his middle school logo: green and white. It was a soccer jersey too, and memories of his youth came flooding back.

It had been years since his hiatus, when he'd had to confront those memories directly, but they still came to him in flashes.

His part of the shoot was finished. Chan still had his solo shoot to do, but some of the others had already left.

"I'm heading out," he said to Changbin, who he saw lounging in a chair in the corner. "Is Lix still here?"

Changbin shrugged. "I haven't seen him in a while, but I don't remember him saying goodbye." Changbin finally looked up from his phone. "You're going alone?"

Hyunjin sighed and then sat down in the empty chair beside Changbin. "I think I'm just going to get a car home," he said. "I don't want to be around people anymore."

Changbin would understand. They'd lived together for a long time, and he should be familiar with how draining these kinds of events were for Hyunjin. "I'll tell Yongbok if I see him."

Hyunjin got up from the chair with a slightly downturned smile, his dimples showing. "I'll see you at home."

He stopped by the restroom before leaving. His makeup was heavy, a shadow of green under his eyes. He took out red-orange colored contacts. It looked cool, a good contrast with the green, but his eyes felt tight.

He slid on a pair of glasses and put on a ball cap.

Once he got outside, he looked at his phone. He hadn't called for the car yet. It was sprinkling, and a fine smattering of droplets soon covered his screen.

He peered into the night sky where a streetlight caught the drifting rain in its yellow light. As he looked up, his cheeks felt the cool mist, and he took a deep breath for the first time in hours.

Maybe I'll walk, he thought. It was just a few blocks. Less than ten, he was sure.

He put his phone in his back pocket—the screen would get wet anyway. He pulled his hoodie up over the ball cap and shoved his hands in his jean pockets. Like this, he walked along the wet nighttime sidewalk in the general direction of his apartment.

Without thinking about it, he started whistling. It was a melody he defaulted to sometimes, familiar to his lips.

His walk became looser.

He'd done this sometimes on his hiatus, a nighttime walk when he'd have nowhere to be the following day. And he danced a lot. Painted a lot. And thought a lot, of course, that was the point.

Self-reflection.

Sometimes he thought that he'd served his time, so why did the thoughts come to him again?

A car passed, loud on the damp street. He checked his phone. No messages. He plugged in his address, making sure he was going in the right direction. He was still on track, but he wasn't as familiar with this section of roadway.

He'd been wondering recently if he deserved the love he'd been given. The adoration.

Because as a boy he'd been adored. Surrounded by schoolmates who thought he was charming and handsome. And when he sensed that someone he didn't like could be brought down in front of them all, he would do it.

He'd feel that power. The derisive laughter. And he'd feel larger than life.

Maybe he had stolen that self-assuredness from his future self. Because now he found himself wracked with insecurity.

Did he even belong? Could he stand alongside someone as pure hearted as Yongbokkie?

Water dripped from the brim of his hat. His face was wet but his glasses dry. He pulled the cap off and turned it around so his face would be touched by the rain.

If he threw his body into dance. If he sang himself hoarse. If he honed his lyricism by reading countless poems, would he deserve this? His beauty—he couldn't say he didn't try—but it had been given to him. So he would work harder at everything else.

Droplets coated his lenses and he could see about as well as if he weren't wearing them at all. It didn't matter much because he was crying, and he wouldn't be able to see well anyway. His face was wet, but everything was wet.

He was lucky his body ran so hot because his hoodie was damp through, and it was not a warm rain.

If he put oil to canvas. If he could make something beautiful out of shadow and light. Prove to himself that he was more than a pretty face. If he had painting in middle school, maybe he would paint ugly and contorted faces, distorted bodies. He could imagine them now, those feelings in slashes of paint.

But no matter how good he got at painting, could it compare with the pure joy Felix brought to people? Uncomplicated. He thought of the images of Felix in Laos. Could he be like that?

His phone buzzed in his back pocket, and he saw a flash of the contact before he answered. "Yongbok!" he said bringing the phone to his ear.

"Where are you?" Felix asked. "Binnie said you'd already gone home."

Hyunjin looked around. "I'm still on my way there."

"You should be close, no?"

He had a feeling that Felix was there already. He'd probably let himself in. "Kind of," he said, now pulling up the map on his phone. "I decided to walk."

"It's raining." The tone was flat, but Hyunjin could hear the concern in the silences around it.

"You're such a good person," he said, his voice breaking slightly.

"Should I send someone to pick you up?" Felix asked.

"No, I'm almost there." He glanced at the map again. "14 minutes it says."

"You're going to be drenched," Felix said.

"It feels good. I'll see you soon."

He wiped the rain from his face, the tears from his eyes, and he noticed the makeup on his fingertips. Green smudges and pale foundation.

Felix was right, he was going to be drenched, but also his makeup was going to look a mess.

His tears stopped falling about a block from his apartment.

It was too much, this self-pity. What was the point of being loved so much if he didn't at least accept it. He could do more. He had to do more, he knew, but it did no one any good to reject their love.

And there was probably a man waiting in his apartment, maybe with some food, maybe watching something with his roommate, if he'd already gotten back.

He was accepted and he was loved.

That damn soccer jersey… He'd been petty. He'd been cruel even. He couldn't undo those things.

He touched a familiar shrub, flowers drooped heavy with water.

But he tried to be better, to put pain into art instead of other people. Assuming status from the result of his own labor instead of a cheap jab.

He felt proud when he opened the door of his apartment. He was a man now. He could make better decisions. But Yongbok was just… inhumanly good. When he saw him, sweats on, hair in a silly ponytail, his mouth fell open.

It was the love in Felix's eyes when he'd just come home like a stray cat. He was standing near the thermostat and quickly turned it up a degree.

Hyunjin dripped on the tile, slipped his shoes off.

"Changbin's picking up food," Felix said. "So you have some time to clean up."

"Did you tell him?"

"No," he scoffed slightly. "You're OK, right?"

Hyunjin nodded. He was still dripping wet, not sure where he should go so he stood in the entryway. "I'm going to volunteer with you, you know."

Felix looked taken aback but put a smile on quickly. "Anytime, Hyunie."

"Good," he said. He took off his sweatshirt and draped it over his arm. "I'm going to go take a shower now. If Changbin shows up with the food, don't wait for me."